Without Suffering We Would be Nothing

Every day on my 40 minute drive to work I use almost the entire commute to pray. I feel like that 40 minutes is an uninterrupted expanse of time that I can just BE with God... just me, the road, and the Lord. As I was praying a few days ago I just felt like He wanted me to share this.

I've been going through some difficult times lately. I can't go into great detail, but my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has magnified many aspects of my life and cause me a lot of pain and anxiety for most of the day. A lot of it is work related. I do have my good days of course, but even the good days are coupled with what I call "the cycling:" cycles of anxiety about something specific that lasts for about an hour, then a temporary reprieve where I can go about my day until the next cycle. One day a few weeks ago it got SO bad that the entire drive to work, I was crying and could hardly catch my breath. I didn't know what to do, so I did the only thing I COULD do: I called my Nana and asked her to pray with me. She graciously obliged and said the most perfect, appropriate, and uplifting prayer asking God to relieve some of my worries and hold my hand as I approached the day ahead. After the prayer she said "Lovey, all you ever have to do is say 'Lord, I can't do this alone today. You have to help me through this,' and he will."

And she is so right. I called her on my way to work each day for the next 4 days to pray with me to get me through the day. Then I came across this scripture and it has become the focus of my life:

I posted this scripture in my locker at work, put it on a post-it in my planner, and recite this to myself whenever I can feel myself start to panic. Ever since that day that Nana prayed for me, in my drive-to-work prayer I thank the Lord specifically for the blessing of his work in my life. I thank him for standing beside me each day and being my fighter when I can't do it myself. This gives me SO much strength to go about my day. It doesn't eliminate my anxiety, but it softens it.

So basically I just wanted to share this. It might seem so simple and "duh!" to some people, but there might be those going through something difficult right now and could benefit from my Nana's words: "Lovey, all you ever have to do is say 'Lord, I can't do this alone today. You have to help me through this,' and he will."

So I'll leave you with this:


You can read about my journey with OCD here. Also, I use this devotional bible and this Daily Devotions book.

<3
E

my journey with OCD

Ok... so this post has been a long time coming. As you know, most of the time on this blog, I discuss a few topics: art, fashion, photography, and a few tidbits from my everyday life. Well I have been wondering if I should blog about this particular topic and I finally resolved to wait awhile before talking about it. I think I'm finally ready to blog it out. :) So, I don't OFTEN blog super personal things because

a) this blog is public,
b) no one wants to continually read my trials and tribulations,
and c) i like to blog only about what I'm passionate about.


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So after much debate, I shall share! The life of Elaine took a different turn in May. I know many of you may remember the situation with the job I got at Old Navy: I had NO desire to work there, I was mad, paranoid, and had SOOOOO much related anxiety about the job. After going through cycles of constant paranoia, crying, and off-the-charts anxiety, my family and I decided it was a deeper problem than just new job jitters. I attended the training session and left crying, cried all night out of paranoia and worry, and called to decline the position the next day.

That week was the WORST week of my life I'm pretty sure. Imagine that you have nightmares about every day things ALL DAY LONG. Being frantic and paranoid to tears every half hour... not good. So I went to see my doctor.


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I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder after 4 minutes of explaining my symptoms. This was NOT a big shock to my family, because I've always had several tendencies of this disorder, but having someone say it out loud was a very different feeling. Since the diagnosis, I've had to keep a stress journal, regularly see a therapist, and have my new medication adjusted several times. When my first round of OCD medications weren't working, I sunk into a seriously bad depression. If you noticed that I haven't posted anything physically crafty in awhile, it's because I've been battling intervals of depression since May. During this, I don't feel like doing things that usually make me happy, I don't feel like doing much of anything but staring at the ceiling.


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But once they got my medication under control and at a good level, I've been SO much happier, motivated, and less anxious about every day things. Some of the things I suffered from before were:

*believing that my thought were somehow connected to events. for example: if I said my car would crash out loud, I thought it truly would happen. The only way to combat this impending doom was to ritualize over it and repeat things in my head in worry.

*sickening compulsivity regarding things like: locking doors, setting my alarm, saving documents, packing, etc. I would check a door 5 or 6 times before I was convinced that it was locked. it might have taken me 1/2 an hour to convince myself that a document was saved on my computer.

*COUNTING. SOOOOO much counting. Things like: tapping my toothbrush on the sink, putting on deodorant, drinks froma drinking fountain, touching certain things... the list goes on and on.

*escalated anxiety about everyday things like: worrying if I have cavities, planning for my death, separation anxiety, spending, and more.

*Feeling trapped, lost, and overly panicked in an unorganized or unplanned situation like a bookstore or thrift store


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I felt truly enslaved to my own thoughts, daily rituals, and worries. I later found out that I was having a HIGHLY unhealthy amount of panic attacks. But now that my brain chemicals are under control, my symptoms have greatly diminished. Things take a lot less time, less stress, and less worrying to complete. My temper hardly exists anymore and I feel like my life has taken a turn for the better. It's hard for me to remember what my mind was like before, but I like feeling ok about what's going on in my life. :) I'm so glad that I've gotten to a point where I feel fantastic, new and motivated and that I'm able to blog about it now!

I don't know if you know anyone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask! I know this was long and potentially boring or uninteresting, but it feels really good to share this! I'm glad I finally did!

<3
E

P.S. Here's a funny little OCD video about how Howie Mandel and his own disorder. :)